Cheating...Is it forgivable?

So I haven't been on in a while - A LOT has been going on lately yikes! I quit my job over a month ago - got another one already but it doesn't start until May 21st :), and my Johnny is living with me now. I know this is rather personal but I think it would be not only therapeutic but very interesting to share my life's events and get feedback on it and also to get people to write me about there ventures in love or just in life - sorta like a Dear Abby column only for a younger generation and it's Dear Connie ;)

What's happened with me lately is that I recently caught my utterly perfect boyfriend text cheating on me - Ouch! Yes this was a terrible heart wrenching experience that I don't wish on any of my readers but it's an experience that I don't think we talk about enough or really explore when it comes to relationships. Is it possible to move on and continue in a relationship with someone who has committed such an atrocious indiscretion against the person they were supposed to love? I think it really depends on the two people and the level of commitment they have towards one another.

SHOCKING I know! lol Who thought this person who was so sappy and idealistic about love could think this level of hurt is forgivable??? Well I didn't think like this always but recently I've been forced to confront all of my deepest fears. Not only as a women but as a person in general. Trust, fidelity, and honesty are the three most important components of any relationship - whether it be a friendship, partnership, or relationship. So how would it be possible then to repair a relationship when these three pillars have been broken?

Well first you have to ask yourself some questions aka hard thinking... How much do I honestly think this person loves me? What things has this person done to prove their love to me prior to this issue? Do I feel like apart from what's happened, that I could see myself with this person in the long run? Do I feel like I could honestly trust this person with my heart again? Would I be happy if things did work out for the better with this behind us? If you could say yes to those things then the relationship deserves some thought and perhaps you do have something worth salvaging if you both put a lot of effort and patience towards it. IF NOT however, then you should let the person know that you don't feel that you can go on with the relationship - Don't kid yourself or your partner if you honestly feel hurt beyond repair. Also give yourself a few days to think about it or at least to cry out your pain. How can you know how you really feel if you haven't even let yourself have any real emotions about it yet?

HOLD IT! Also lets define cheating shall we... For me personally "if you would not like you're partner doing it then it's cheating and you shouldn't be doing it. Period!"

I personally couldn't forgive someone physically cheating but we all have our limits - in mine and Johnny's case he was texting people he'd met online and had never met and was even going by a different name and age. There's no excuse for cheating and believe me I cried for days because I was so disgusted and hurt but ultimately I know he's sorry and I know that he loves me and I also had long talks with his mom about the situation and decided that if he really put the effort in to make it right and to be patient while I try to get through it then we could continue and try to salvage the relationship.

After you've thought it out and made your decision have a long and detailed discussion with the person about where you want the relationship to go and where they stand. Are they as torn up about the situation as you are? Does it rattle them to their core that they put you in so much pain? Where do they honestly want the relationship to lead in the near future? Why do they feel they should be forgiven and given a second chance? Grill them with as many questions as you can think up at this time. They were wrong! They hurt you and you deserve to know where you stand and what to expect from this person. BUT remember that this is not your shot to punish them for the rest of their life - if they really love you then they're going to do that all on their own and you should definitely make them sorry and let them know that there is no chance after this and they are lucky you're considering dealing with it in the first place.

Also THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK! Yes a bad thing has happened but news flash ladies and gents, your partner still has feelings. They may have been wrong for what they did but they still deserve to be treated like a human being.

I have more to say on this but for now I'm going to leave it at that - if you'd like to comment or ask me any questions please do! I'm no expert on anything but I love discussions and love to talk about anything in general. catch ya later :)

My New Years Resolution ^_^

For 2012 I plan on eating healthier, seriously searching my soul for what I really want in a partner and companion in life, being more active, and just being an overall better human being rather than being a bump on a log like I can be sometimes. I want to get another tattoo, maybe get my nose re-peirced, go on a road trip just because, I want to feel the wing in my hair on a ton of roller coasters, try as many new things as possible just to say I did, live life like the adventure I know it is and was meant to be for all of us, OH and I want to try surfing at least once in my life also and feel the sand between my toes! Who's with me!!! :D

Adventures in Love...

It's crazy in my head sometimes when I think about love and trying to understand it and what it all means. I feel like I change my mind about things way too much and I have impossible expectations sometimes also lol. It's like with every guy that I find who loves me, I find something wrong with him or I feel something really strong and think he's the one and then reality sets in and I start to see his flaws ever so steadily more clearly. UGH! Johnny is amazing, don't get me wrong but there are little things here or there that I'm like hmmm - like his jokes, I often don't get them or don't find them funny.

Sometimes I also can't help but thinking what if there's someone out there for me who fits me even more perfectly bc I've been right everytime I've let a guy go and found another one.... I guess ultimately it boils down to the question of: How do you know if the person is right for you or whether they're the ones you should say forever to? I think if anyone had that definitively figured out, divorce or break-ups wouldn't happen huh?  I mean I know I love Johnny but it's just idk I guess I still question things a lot and I know myself and I tend to get ahead of myself sometimes and let my heart shut my brain off but then after a bit, my brain comes back into the picture and makes me feel all sorts of confused.

I know he's a catch and I'm crazy but idk what it is inside me that throws everything so incredibly out of loop sometimes...?

I used to always say when you know you just know but what the hell does that mean exactly? what if you thought you knew and then realize you don't really know anything? lol and what if what you thought was exactly right for you changes and you realize it doesn't work? then what? were you wrong from the start and just anaware of it? and what about those people that were marvelously in love then way later down the line they say they fell out of love?

I just want to be over loved like this awesome song I like:

"Overloved"

I need to find somebody who can't sleep at night

Without holding me without holding me tight

I want someone who sees me all the time in their dreams

And then wakes up thinking just of me

Spent time on my own

Spent time being free

Now I just wanna be

Overloved

Over needed

Over wanted

Over missed when I'm away

Overloved

Over dreamed of

Over cared about

Over everything

I'd give anything to be overloved

I want someone who can't wait to kiss me again

Even though it's been a minute since they last did

Want someone who loves love songs

And dedicates them to me

And two loving arms never out of reach

Been fine all alone

Did fine being free

This time I wanna be

This time I wanna be

Overloved

Over needed

Over wanted

Over missed when I'm away

Overloved

Over dreamed of

Over cared about

Over everything

I'd give anything to be overloved

Want someone to talk to me with talk so sweet

Want someone who's there to share their world with me

I've been too lonely for too many nights

This time I need someone here in my life

This time I want someone holding me tight

Been under kissed, under touched

Now I just wanna be

Overloved

Over needed

Over wanted

Over missed when I'm away

Overloved

Over dreamed of

Over cared about

Over everything

I'd give anything to be overloved

I just wanna be

Overloved

By someone who's over in love with me

Over kissed over touched over missed

Overloved

I guess ultimately I just need to chill and take things slower – force a person to really earn my love and affection. Usually because I’m sooo ready to give all this love I have inside, I tend to kind of just throw it all out on the line because I’m so ready for it and so ready to move onto the next phase in my life.

You probably think I’m nuts right about now or got tired about halfway through and decided I’m a little on the Charlie Sheen side :P but I promise you I’m not crazy I’m just lost in this big world trying to figure out my way through it…

I may fall in love easily but that makes me a lot braver then the cowards who hide behind fear so much they’re too busy worrying about getting hurt, to ever go out and experience love at all. Love may be scary and risky but it can also be beautiful and magical and the truth is none of us have to have it all figured out, we just have to make sure we’re having fun and living life to it’s fullest along the way to wherever it takes us. J

My Johnny

Love:

Johnny (current beau) is amazing and he actually exceeds my expectations but some parts of me are afraid - afraid to believe it, afraid to accept that it's real and that this could be the end of the search for me completely. I think I'm so ready to be dissapointed that I set myself up for it, but can you blame me when that's all I've dealt with? but no you know what he's too amazing to be that stupid - as I was writing this he wrote me such a sweet text saying "goodmorning my beautiful love! I'm half awake and still thinking of you :) I love you baby" - what's to be scared of with someone that great right?

When I think about him or am near him though, all of that stuff dissapears and I don't worry or feel fear at all, I just feel happy and intensely cared for. It's all in the little things he does too like how he holds me close at every given chance, how we cover each other in kisses all the time, how he always makes sure I'm happy the way I do for him, how appreciative he is of all the things I do for him, and how he always seems to know just what to say to make me smile from the inside out. I haven't had too many good things happen to me in life without having to work extremely hard for them and he changed that. I feel whole and a happiness I can't even describe when he's around me. We can just lay together talking for a while and not get tired or bored and he's the person I go to first with good news or when I'm upset and need comfort. 

I love the way he talks to the TV when no one's around :p, the way he super enjoys food and talks like a food critic when he eats, love that he's not afraid to sing in front of me, love that he loves me so much he's really scared to lose me but not afraid to show it, love that he likes teaching me how to play xbox games even though I'm really not good at them at all :p, love that he likes to be with me and help me when I cook us dinner, love that seeing his smile warms my heart and lights up a room, love every curve of his face and tracing his dimples when he smiles, love that he'd rather lose sleep then not spend time with me, and most of all I love how willingly he's given his heart to me and I to him. he he :)

Wow, I just read the blog of an amazing and courageous girl my age who has dealt with paralyzation among other things in her life and I have to say that it has totally opened my eyes. Reading stories like hers of people who're finding ways to over come the most unimaginable tragedies is what makes you wake up and realize how incredibly lucky we are every day to have all the blessings we have in life rather than complain about our short comings.

I struggle a lot with self confidence and with self-esteem issues but I shouldn't because I have a gym in my apts that I can go into daily to work on it and I also have family and friends who are great and tell me how beautiful I am. Life isn't just about being asthetically pleasing - it's so much more than that and even though I don't have a lot of things figured out entirely in life, it's all ok because I don't have to - I just have to live everyday for people like Emily who aren't able to experience a lot of things and stop taking all of life's opportunities for granted. I'm going to the gym today and will happily walk a couple miles and then hit the bike and park a little further from doors so I walk more because it's a shame to be so lazy when so many people would kill just to say they could stand and walk to a door.

I think what I'd like to do most in life is to have some part in helping people who need it and dedicating time to organizations that help others in need. Going to get back in contact with the volunteer organizer I once worked with for the nearby Children's Advocacy Center and giving back again. Thank you Emily, I'm feeling very inspired becuase of you right now. :)

CHANGE OF PLANS :P

Ok so I went to NY and I loved the city but things with the guy I was so crazy about didn't turn out quite as expected - plus I had my ex who is such an amazing and sweet guy come over the night before and take me to the airport. I realized while I was with him that things weren't really over between us - we both still felt a lot towards one another and I ended up very much decided that I couldn't run off to New York and get married to another guy when my heart was screaming at me, this guy right in your face was always what you were looking for but you didn't work at it enough, you just gave up you dummy!

So needless to say I returned home and wrapped my arms around my guy and told him I'd never let go if he only asked me to and he did :) *tear* :) I don't know what the future holds but I do know that for now it's not in New York for me, it's right here cozy with my family and an amazing guy who would drop everything to come to my rescue, who would fill my little travel bottles and take me to the airport to fly off into another man's arms and begging me to come back home bc he loves me that much. Ladies, there aren't many men out there like that so when you find him, hold onto him with everything you've got and don't let him go.

I plan on eventually having my own business and being my own boss - so tired of the rat race but what can you do right? thank you to all who are reading this blog - if you enjoy it, please leave a comment and tell others about it - I'd love an audience! :)

also meanwhile all this craziness is going on, another ex of mine basically says he'd love a second chance with me - what is that about??? lol it's like when i'm alone there's no one and when I'm not, I might as well be fly paper :p

well anyway if you'd like me to continue posting things and letting you in on my life and all the craziness that is me, then please post comments and tell people about my blog - thanks again!!!! :D

Upward and Onward!

I'm getting married and moving to NEW YORK :) - in a crazy turn of events I reunited with an old friend who I was enamored of when we met originally but I was still dealing with an ex that wouldn't just go away - but I happened upon an email and next thing you know we're talking 4 hours a day and our whole families know we're planning to get married - Eeeeek! I'm soo excited! I would follow him just about everywhere but it's just an added bonus that he lives in one of the best cities in this country :)

Will keep you updated but seriously I can barely contain my heart in my chest! :D