My Johnny

Love:

Johnny (current beau) is amazing and he actually exceeds my expectations but some parts of me are afraid - afraid to believe it, afraid to accept that it's real and that this could be the end of the search for me completely. I think I'm so ready to be dissapointed that I set myself up for it, but can you blame me when that's all I've dealt with? but no you know what he's too amazing to be that stupid - as I was writing this he wrote me such a sweet text saying "goodmorning my beautiful love! I'm half awake and still thinking of you :) I love you baby" - what's to be scared of with someone that great right?

When I think about him or am near him though, all of that stuff dissapears and I don't worry or feel fear at all, I just feel happy and intensely cared for. It's all in the little things he does too like how he holds me close at every given chance, how we cover each other in kisses all the time, how he always makes sure I'm happy the way I do for him, how appreciative he is of all the things I do for him, and how he always seems to know just what to say to make me smile from the inside out. I haven't had too many good things happen to me in life without having to work extremely hard for them and he changed that. I feel whole and a happiness I can't even describe when he's around me. We can just lay together talking for a while and not get tired or bored and he's the person I go to first with good news or when I'm upset and need comfort. 

I love the way he talks to the TV when no one's around :p, the way he super enjoys food and talks like a food critic when he eats, love that he's not afraid to sing in front of me, love that he loves me so much he's really scared to lose me but not afraid to show it, love that he likes teaching me how to play xbox games even though I'm really not good at them at all :p, love that he likes to be with me and help me when I cook us dinner, love that seeing his smile warms my heart and lights up a room, love every curve of his face and tracing his dimples when he smiles, love that he'd rather lose sleep then not spend time with me, and most of all I love how willingly he's given his heart to me and I to him. he he :)

Wow, I just read the blog of an amazing and courageous girl my age who has dealt with paralyzation among other things in her life and I have to say that it has totally opened my eyes. Reading stories like hers of people who're finding ways to over come the most unimaginable tragedies is what makes you wake up and realize how incredibly lucky we are every day to have all the blessings we have in life rather than complain about our short comings.

I struggle a lot with self confidence and with self-esteem issues but I shouldn't because I have a gym in my apts that I can go into daily to work on it and I also have family and friends who are great and tell me how beautiful I am. Life isn't just about being asthetically pleasing - it's so much more than that and even though I don't have a lot of things figured out entirely in life, it's all ok because I don't have to - I just have to live everyday for people like Emily who aren't able to experience a lot of things and stop taking all of life's opportunities for granted. I'm going to the gym today and will happily walk a couple miles and then hit the bike and park a little further from doors so I walk more because it's a shame to be so lazy when so many people would kill just to say they could stand and walk to a door.

I think what I'd like to do most in life is to have some part in helping people who need it and dedicating time to organizations that help others in need. Going to get back in contact with the volunteer organizer I once worked with for the nearby Children's Advocacy Center and giving back again. Thank you Emily, I'm feeling very inspired becuase of you right now. :)

CHANGE OF PLANS :P

Ok so I went to NY and I loved the city but things with the guy I was so crazy about didn't turn out quite as expected - plus I had my ex who is such an amazing and sweet guy come over the night before and take me to the airport. I realized while I was with him that things weren't really over between us - we both still felt a lot towards one another and I ended up very much decided that I couldn't run off to New York and get married to another guy when my heart was screaming at me, this guy right in your face was always what you were looking for but you didn't work at it enough, you just gave up you dummy!

So needless to say I returned home and wrapped my arms around my guy and told him I'd never let go if he only asked me to and he did :) *tear* :) I don't know what the future holds but I do know that for now it's not in New York for me, it's right here cozy with my family and an amazing guy who would drop everything to come to my rescue, who would fill my little travel bottles and take me to the airport to fly off into another man's arms and begging me to come back home bc he loves me that much. Ladies, there aren't many men out there like that so when you find him, hold onto him with everything you've got and don't let him go.

I plan on eventually having my own business and being my own boss - so tired of the rat race but what can you do right? thank you to all who are reading this blog - if you enjoy it, please leave a comment and tell others about it - I'd love an audience! :)

also meanwhile all this craziness is going on, another ex of mine basically says he'd love a second chance with me - what is that about??? lol it's like when i'm alone there's no one and when I'm not, I might as well be fly paper :p

well anyway if you'd like me to continue posting things and letting you in on my life and all the craziness that is me, then please post comments and tell people about my blog - thanks again!!!! :D

Upward and Onward!

I'm getting married and moving to NEW YORK :) - in a crazy turn of events I reunited with an old friend who I was enamored of when we met originally but I was still dealing with an ex that wouldn't just go away - but I happened upon an email and next thing you know we're talking 4 hours a day and our whole families know we're planning to get married - Eeeeek! I'm soo excited! I would follow him just about everywhere but it's just an added bonus that he lives in one of the best cities in this country :)

Will keep you updated but seriously I can barely contain my heart in my chest! :D